Elite Thinking: Be curious, not furious.

“Praise in public, criticize in private.”

At times a coach berates a player in public. I wonder how useful that is. I tell coaches and captains, “Praise in public, criticize in private.” Numerous studies show that people pay most attention to negative feedback. Criticism stings even the most resilient person and the feeling lasts longer than positive feedback. People, research says, need four pieces of positive feedback for one bit of negative feedback. Corrective feedback is necessary and talented coaches are able to provide that and maintain a positive culture in the team. 

When a player feels demeaned and deflated, they will no longer give their best. Very few players can fully re-engage with a coach when such negative feedback occurs in a harsh way. Typically, in these situations the coach is still hot under the collar after a loss. They may be furious with the result and some of the players. This is the time when the coach needs to be so self-aware that they control their emotions and pause their feedback because in these moments things are said that shouldn’t be and trust is lost. 

 Two good techniques are: 

1. Be curious, not furious. Leading the conversation through genuine curiosity, does three things. 

 a. It creates a conversation and thus engages players in the discussion and buy-in ensues. Great coaches get to the core of the players’ decision-making process. 

 b. It develops thinking players. That is, players who are building the skillset to be able to self-critique and analyze a game. 

 c. It builds empathy, trust and deepens understanding of players. Using the concept of “seek first to understand, and then to be understood” the coach gathers useful insights into the thought processes of the players and is thus better able to identify areas for remedy and coaching. These coaches genuinely seek to understand the player’s thoughts, feelings and approach. It’s a case of diagnose before prescribe (Covey).

 2. Look only for the good. Squint if you have to. But, only offer up the good. The team knows when they were poor. So do most players. The opportunity to debrief a game away from the heat of the moment will come. For now, focus only on the positive and ask the players to provide input on what they appreciated. 

The result? A culture of positivity is built and a positive culture beats a negative one any day. In those post-game moments great coaches are self-aware. It takes time for trust to be re-established. Trust is the foundation of all relationships and like a bucket of water, it is filled slowly drip by drip, but only takes one tip for the contents to be emptied.